Tuesday, December 9, 2014

catching up with words

The longer I am away from this space... or from writing in general... the harder it is to just jump back in.  By this point, it has been so long it just feels silly.  But, like most things that are stuck, a deep breath & just jumping right back in is probably the best thing to do.

There were many drafts & bits of thought these past nine months that started out, but never made it to an actual post... a few random bits:

April 2014
An unexpected treat of breakfast in bed started my morning off right.  Cozy under covers that are still warm from sleep heat, eating a breakfast burrito and sweet oranges, reading posts by a new favorite blogger... the most delicious start to an ordinary Tuesday.  Marking these little happy bits with a notice and a burst of gratitude is my non-resolution resolution this year.  It is so easy to get mired in all of the have-tos & shoulds that anchor my day.  Homework projects loom, laundry mountain grows higher, floors are heavy with dust & the crumbs of our busy days.  It can feel like too much if that is where I put my focus.  It is still too much to all get done in one day, but shifting attention to the many rays of pure beauty that also run through my days, helps keep things  in perspective.  Little boys won't always be little... their bodies growing longer, lankier and more their own with each sunrise.  The realization that what I am doing here is not just the seemingly endless service to these little people, but a much larger task, teaching them how to be humans in the world.  How to navigate the big stuff like anger and sharing and dealing with defeated expectations.  How to start from a place of gratitude, full-glass, full heart with every situation.  (Is that even possible?)  As the "baby", who is so not a baby in any way any more, learns to exert his will in more of the boys play, I find myself as referee more often than I like.  But these are the places they learn how to be kind, how to stand up for themselves, how to negotiate a way to get what they want and need.  No wonder I am so tired.

May 2014
Imagine you are just two years old.
Your entire life experience to date has passed within the dingy walls of an orphanage located in a neighborhood of extreme poverty, desperation and decay.  You have kind caretakers that have gotten you this far.  They are all you know.  It is beyond your scope of understanding that there is so much more that awaits you.  The couple that is now smiling and crying at you, the ones that are taking you from the only reality you have ever known, they already love you.  They share your genetic condition and understand first hand the challenges that await.  They will become your foundation, your family, your best chance at a long, healthy, happy life. 
But all you know in this moment, is that something scary & beyond your control is happening.

Although I was not raised with organized religion in my life, I have always been a person of faith.  Purposeful in choosing the half-full glass, finding silver-linings in a sea of clouds, at my core has always been the steady knowledge that all is as it should be.  Each experience fitting into a bigger picture, one that exists just outside of my current view. 

Recently I had a moment of clarity about this in the most unlikely of places.  Watching a tv show about a couple adopting a 2 year old little girl from India, I realized that sometimes what seems most frightening, the end of life as we know it, is also the moment we are most alive.  How often does this happen to us as adults?  Things occur that we have no control over, that we struggle against with all our might, but what if these disturbances really are the exact right thing that leads us to what we need?

Often, the things that we struggle against the most, become the most important markers when looking backwards.

August 2014
This summer I attended a five day writing retreat in one of the most beautiful places on the planet... Big Sur.  For hours, precious uninterrupted hours, I listened to writers talk about the craft and wrote my heart out onto the page.  It was amazing.  And humbling.  And somehow left me without any words for the months that followed.  Life with three boys and two businesses moves along at an insane pace.  I keep thinking if I could just "figure things out" I might be able to find more time for myself... but the reality is that there just isn't enough time in a day to get "everything" done.  All I can do is hang on tight & surf the wave of busy.

December 2014
 And here we are again... nearing the close of another year.  To say that time flies is such a cliche... but oh-so-very true.  So many different things to juggle each day, but when I remember to step back & get a glimpse of the big picture, life is so good.  Our three boys continue to grow & change & challenge us on every level.  They are strong in body & opinions.  A few days ago I experienced one of those parenting milestones they don't really tell you about in any baby book... I actually got to take a shower, a whole shower, while all three boys were awake & in the house.  Probably sounds silly if you haven't been around little kids for awhile, but oh man, it feels like a little glimpse of light at the end of this raising little creatures tunnel.  We have miles to go, but I can start to kind-of-sort-of see how I might get some of my own time back.

Raising kids, the days can run into each other with such sameness... feed everyone, get places on time (ish), pick everyone up, feed them, bathe them, to bed and repeat.  But, when I can get myself to pay attention, to really see what is happening before my eyes, there are always those little moments that shine through.  The way the light hits the hills in the distance, that perfect drop of rain splatting in slow motion, hearing little brother say "I love you" to his biggest brother (who is not always the nicest), watching the two biggest boys hug each other after they have been apart... those little golden bits keep the sameness from feeling like too much the same.


Anonymous said...

So happy to find your posting -- Have missed your writings! Love you all, CC

larajanepark said...

I love what you write, it always reminds me of those days with my 3 littles. The baby is 17 now and I don't know how all those "same" days added up to be 22 years of parenting. I'm happy to let you in on this part: the days remain busy and finding time to write is impossible still and I haven't blogged in more than 6 months...but here we are. I am in love with those children of mine and will be forever. You are doing great and beautiful things! I love that you just spliced together a years worth of tiny blog posts so we could catch up. Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year to you all xoxoxox

Unknown said...

So happy you are back to writing --and sharing -- your thoughts. Such a beautiful heart and mind to share! Fills my heart, and make me feel like all is well in the world of Mama Hood. (Kind of like Robin Hood.)

Hugs, Adriene

P.S. Fascinating that you stopped writing for a while after your writing workshop.

Anonymous said...

I've missed your writing, Katie! We love you! ~MHKEZ