Sometimes it feels like Death circles closer than other
times. The end of life sweeps near in a
very real way instead of the theoretical seed that lies quiet within each of
us. I used to be okay with the thought
of leaving. I had a full life and
adventures and lots of love around me.
But this was long before I had small people who depend on me with every
cell and breath.
Now when I feel the
wave of inevitability wash past, I have that burning hard-pit feeling in the
base of my stomach. Oh how I would miss
all of the things that drive me crazy on a daily basis! Sticky hands and endless questions and the
soft sweet puppy breath that wakes me in the (very) early mornings. I hope that I can see my boys through their
years. That I can be greedy and have an
end of life that is after a long road of raising them, seeing them thrive and
standing on solid ground. But it isn’t
up to us, is it? We make choices that
may or may not steer us in a certain direction, but mostly we just bump around
and hope for the best.
These are the
thoughts that wake me this morning.
Feeling fragile and human and finite.
And then the morning routine kicks in… and the boys want
green eggs and ham, the lunches must be made, green clothing procured and it
all starts moving so quickly. Maybe
that’s the point? That if you spend too
much time sitting still and worrying about the end you miss the middle, where
it is meaty and messy and full of delicious chaos.
Sending love & light to the Vargas family. You are in our thoughts. xoxo
