Monday, March 17, 2014

being here in the middle

Sometimes it feels like Death circles closer than other times.  The end of life sweeps near in a very real way instead of the theoretical seed that lies quiet within each of us.  I used to be okay with the thought of leaving.  I had a full life and adventures and lots of love around me.  But this was long before I had small people who depend on me with every cell and breath.  

Now when I feel the wave of inevitability wash past, I have that burning hard-pit feeling in the base of my stomach.  Oh how I would miss all of the things that drive me crazy on a daily basis!  Sticky hands and endless questions and the soft sweet puppy breath that wakes me in the (very) early mornings.  I hope that I can see my boys through their years.  That I can be greedy and have an end of life that is after a long road of raising them, seeing them thrive and standing on solid ground.  But it isn’t up to us, is it?  We make choices that may or may not steer us in a certain direction, but mostly we just bump around and hope for the best.   

These are the thoughts that wake me this morning.  Feeling fragile and human and finite. 

And then the morning routine kicks in… and the boys want green eggs and ham, the lunches must be made, green clothing procured and it all starts moving so quickly.  Maybe that’s the point?  That if you spend too much time sitting still and worrying about the end you miss the middle, where it is meaty and messy and full of delicious chaos.  

Sending love & light to the Vargas family.  You are in our thoughts.  xoxo