It is 8:00 pm and, by some miracle, all three of my boys are sleeping. Funny thing is, about a half hour ago I lost it with the two big boys... thinking it was already 8:30 I hustled them through pajamas, brush teeth, story, lights out... impatient & barking at them through each step. When I came back to the kitchen I realized my mistake... it was only 7:30. Perhaps I should find my glasses & actually wear them?
There are some mornings I wake up to little boy snuggles and excitement about the day ahead and I think to myself, I am doing pretty well with this parenthood thing. Other mornings I am equally convinced that I am messing the whole thing up as I referee squabbles over ridiculous things, losing my cool well before breakfast. I'm pretty sure that somewhere in the middle lies the truth. Royally screwing up some bits & mostly handling the rest of it pretty well. I cling tightly to the idea that all will work out in the sum total, as long as I keep trying to do better.
Right now my kids are all at a place where they need so much more than they can give. On the worst days I carry their needs heavily... slogging through the have-to's and routines. On the best, I can find all of the little ways that they do give back to me... the love, trust, small moments of joy that lighten the rest. I try hard to remember that these light moments are there all the time... even if not visible to the naked eye. If I could just find a pair of those glasses... the ones that remind you to see the beauty in the midst of chaos... I am certain I would never take them off.
Things fall apart around me. Or because of me. One of those.
18 minutes ago