Wednesday, February 23, 2011

When I Grow Up

When I was little, like millions of other girls around the world, I dreamed of someday being a ballerina.  Except I also wanted to be a Blue Angel pilot.  And a writer.  And an Olympic gymnast, photographer & film director too.  I was lucky to have parents that supported my dreams, no matter what direction they seemed to wander.  Lately Remy has been asking the “when I am big, can I...” questions.  Things like, "when I am big, can I drive that garbage truck?" or "when I grow up can I drive the train at the zoo?"   But the one he asks the most is “when I am big can I work at the refinery with Daddy?”  (To which I answer, “of course sweetie… just after you finish medical school.”)  These daily questions have made me start to think about what I might want to do "when I am big."  My chances of a career in ballet or acrobatic piloting may have passed on by, but there are a lot of other possibilities that drift through my brain.  Wishing I could try out different vocations as easily as a new outfit.

With my fondness for naps, silly music & kid snacks, sometimes I think how nice it would be to stay here forever in the land of sort-of-work at home mommy-ville.  To rest within the safe confines of school schedules & meals, pick-ups & drop-offs.  Sporting nothing more complicated (or fashionable!) than yoga pants & comfy sweaters.  Other times I long for something more… something that requires me to dress nicely, face new challenges, and use a different portion of my brain to interact with grown-ups.  To spend my days with people who do not need me to wipe their noses or dole out graham crackers.  

This state of conflicted-ness seems to be a common feeling for a lot of my generation.  We grew up being told we could have it all, be it all, do it all.  But sometimes "it all" is too much.  We become paralyzed by too much choice, sometimes getting stuck in the familiar & comfortable.  Overwhelmed by the attempt to live up to the slippery ideal of perfect balance.

This is the first time in my life that I have not known in what direction I would like to go next.  The nearly endless possibilities leave me dizzy with indecision.  Do I want to go back to production? (too many hours away from family) or back to school? (ha! No thank you) or, or or?  The truth is what I keep coming back to is that, aside from the snotty noses, I am living my dream.  I get to do & learn a million different things as a mom… especially as a mom to a child with countless therapies, medical specialists &  educational challenges.  My most recent foray into school inclusion & the hunt for successful models has led me to so many interesting people & a lot of useful information.  This, coupled with our antiques business, is my dream.  Too bad my passions don't rest in a more recession-proof field.    

The past couple of weeks have been a wonderful blur of not doing too much & doing a lot... all while happily welcoming Daddy back in the fold.  He finished his latest job of 5 grueling weeks of nights with only two days off and one marathon 36 hour workday when he did the Alameda antique fair in between two night shifts.  (Yes, he is insane!)  We are so grateful to have the additional income & even more grateful to have him home again.   
My camera has been collecting dust the past couple of weeks, but here are a few recent moments captured...
Walking in Daddy's boots...

...Quinn likes the extra challenge of having them on the wrong feet...

My California boy likes to take his shirt off whenever the sun starts shining...

Unlike his older brother, Remy LOVES getting his haircut... it  might have something to do with the lollipop afterwards.

My boys before a puddle walk...

Remy loves his pink hat from last year's Buddy Walk... it is his current favorite treasure.

Being a grown-up is way over-rated... here's to staying little for at least a bit longer! 

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